tied up in a neat little package

my life has been going through a lot of serious changes recently, so this will probably turn into a rather long, rather personal, rather unfunny post. i understand if you want to take this opportunity to check out more interesting websites like this or this.

when i broke down last month, i realized that some shit had to change. there wasn't any option about it. i was unhappy, extremely unhappy, and my life felt like it was falling apart. step one was to quit my job. that was the biggest part of the problem and the easiest and most immediate change i could make. i have no doubt that it was the right thing to do. it was past due, but it took me more time than it should have to figure out i didn't owe my employers anything, especially when they didn't give me respect, or a voice, or proper overtime compensation.

leaving was hard because i didn't have something else to blame it on like moving, or graduating, or finding a better opportunity. i had to own up to why i needed to leave. i had to tell my bosses that they were actively making me miserable, which is a difficult thing for me to say. i've never quit a job like that; i've always had another reason i could hide behind. i'm glad i said my piece to the managment before i left, even if in the end nothing is different. i look back on that experience and feel that i respected those around me without sacrificing my respect for myself. though i wish the circumstances had been different, it ended as positively as i could have hoped.

when i knew i had to quit my job, my first reaction was to leave chicago and run away from everything. i think it made things simplier to look at life that way. it was all wrong and all i needed was to wipe the slate clean and start fresh again. i wouldn't have to own up to all the little things. i could spread the blame over all the aspects of my life like pressure on a bed of nails, allowing my unhappiness to be sustained by everything, but the burden of no one part.

but i always run away, from everything. instead of sticking around to fix my relationships with jobs or people or places, i use what i see as unalterable flaws as justification for throwing them away entirely and hoping for something a little more perfect next time. if i left chicago, it would be for the wrong reasons. it may be cold, but it'd be a lie to say that's what did it. chicago has too much going for it to leave now. it feels like home, more than any other place could. i'm not willing to give that up just yet. but i can't live here like i have been. i've been treating it like a rest stop, a place to collect myself but not to get invested in. living like that can't make me happy. it doesn't matter if i'm staying here one year or ten, if i don't start making this city mine, next year will be no better than the last.

i'm in a really good place right now. surprisingly this isn't everything i wanted to say, but considering i'm reaching my limit for thinking and you've probably long passed your limit for caring, this seems like a nice stopping place. again, i love you all and i'll post pictures and stories from europe soon.